Arrest of Texas Gardener Means Your Glaucoma Will Just Have to Suck

KEYEtv.com reports the hippest dude and greenest thumb in Taylor has been arrested and will no longer be able to assist you with that really nasty glaucoma you suffer with, particularly on Fridays, Saturdays, and after particularly bad days at work.

Taylor snack shops are bracing for the anticipated downturn in chip, pretzel, candy bar, and Mountain Dew sales. Particularly worrying are sales of odd, whim-inspired snacks that only seem to be consumed by glaucoma sufferers. Examples would be Funyuns, Bugles, and flavors of Doritos being currently “test-marketed” in Texas.

Don’t bring pot onto the school bus

From the “Anyone seen my stash?” department - KEYE reports someone left 5 tons of pot on an abandoned school bus in Webb County. (We heard there was 6 tons but the patrolman with the munchies said he only found 5).

Guaranteed this is the 4th scene in the Cheech and Chong reunion movie. The rest of the film will be the guys trying to get their stash replaced while Chong retains his job as a bus driver for the Webb County Independent School District. Hilarity ensues after cameos by Dave Chappelle, Jim Breuer, and the Harold and Kumar guys.

If your neighborhood dealer is not Cheech or Chong and starts telling you he’s had a bad few days, “No man, I mean REALLY bad.” and then asks YOU for pot, the DPS asks you give them a call.

Austin High’s Emory Blake Has a Choice To Make

KEYE Sports has chosen their Top 5 High School Football players of Central Texas, all of which are expected to graduate to Division 1 schools next season. Glasco Martin of Stony Point, Taylor McHargue of Vista Ridge, Jeremy Moore of LBJ, Ryan Swope of Westlake, and Emory Blake of Austin High have received the props.

Blake is the only one of the five who hasn’t yet chosen his school and is reportedly trying to decide between Auburn, Colorado, and Texas Tech. We modestly advise Blake to strongly consider Texas Tech but PopCrunch does rank Auburn as the number 8 university for hot chicks. And we have to concede, that’s what’s really important.

Important note: Texas Tech did not make the list of Top 50 universities for Hot Chicks. We checked the list very, very carefully to make sure.

Chick Shoots Dude with Bow And Arrow

Welcome to Texas. KEYE reports some crazy lady in Houston shot an employee of a Micro Electronics company on Wednesday. Hey Cupid. Three more weeks before Valentine’s Day.

Two funny things about the story.

““I saw him with a bow and arrow in the side of his chest. He was fading,” said Alex Quiroga, the victim’s co-worker.” says the report. Which makes us wonder how the hell she shot the arrow AND the bow and how she got ‘em both to stick into the dude’s chest. Welcome to Texas.

“Witnesses said other employees of the business pulled out their own pistols. They were able to knock the mock gun away from Parker, but when she allegedly threatened to shoot them with another arrow, they fired a couple shots at her.” We may take this for granted but Texas is the only state in the union where a simple homicidal attack on an unsuspecting civilian in the midst of a hum-drum day at the office in a Micro Electronics company would turn into a gunfight. Not New York, not South Dakota (unless the unsuspecting civilian was a deer), and certainly not California. Welcome to Texas.

Eating your own eye - Painful. Tasty?

KEYEtv.com reports a dude on death row in Texas pulled his own eye out of his own face - and then ate it.

Now, when you think maybe this is one of those “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me” type of exercises you’ll have to consider this. Andre Thomas already gouged out the other one back in 2004.

From Keye: “According to agency spokesman Jason Clark, “Thomas said he pulled out his eye and subsequently ingested it.”"

We won’t go into the gruesome details of why this guy is on death row… sounds like he’s an ideal candidate for the place whether you agree with execution or not… but the dude has definitely injected a little “Hannibal Lecter” into the place. Glad it was self-inflected. Happy New Year!

We were going to send some questions to Thomas through an attorney such as
“Wouldn’t you have rather waited until you had access to a grill or hot plate?”
“Which eye was more painful? The first one or the second one?”
“At what point could you not see anymore? Did you see the inside of your own mouth?”

But then we remembered he wouldn’t be able to read our questions. Then we laughed.

All I Ever Got Was a Lump of Coal…

And I don’t know what came over me. I saw all these beautifully wrapped presents under the Christmas tree of this house I passed by and I remember being taken over by my thoughts.

“I bet that’s a Playstation. And that’s an Ipod.” I was excited and overwhelmed by emotion. It was like I had died, was reborn, and fast-forwarded to my seventh Christmas, the year my Father actually had a job and had spent months telling us we could expect a big Christmas, unlike any other we’d had so far.

That was until he wandered into the newly open Indian casino in the town next door. And Santa forgot his map with East Texas on it, or so my Dad said.

Flash to present day and I saw those gifts under the tree and I became dizzy with anticipation and nostalgia for what should have been. The door was unlocked, which was Santa’s sign to me that what I was doing was meant to be. Christmas would finally come to my house. I grabbed the most attractive boxes and quickly made my way to my white Cadillac, tossing the gifts into the trunk and the largest of the gifts into the shotgun seat.

Still dizzy with Christmas euphoria, I shifted into Drive and ran right into another car. I couldn’t remain there so I grabbed one gift I hope they don’t notice is missing and ran for ze hillz.

The note on the refrigerator I left for my roommate…

Go to KEYETV.com for the related story.

Dear Jonathan David Kennedy,

If you drink from my milk carton again I will stab you in the neck.

I know you are doing it because I see the whiskers of your freshly-trimmed beard floating in my 1%. You also NEVER buy milk for the apartment and yet you go through Lucky Charms like it is going out of style (by the way, it has).

When you spent a week at that girl’s apartment last summer (until she figured out how much of a jerk you are) I was able to drink my milk at my leisure right up until the expiration date. I now choose the gallons of milk at the front of the grocery store fridge with the nearest expiration date as a public service because I know between all the milk you drink and all the glasses I throw out because I get grossed out by your beard shavings, the gallon will never actually make it.

I have very nearly convinced myself to buy Ovaltine or Chocolate Protein Powder to stir into the milk when I drink it just to cover up for the tiny hairs but your beard hairs are magic and they nearly always get stuck between my teeth.

And by the way, please rinse your beard hair trimmings out of the sink when you are done. That’s gross too.

Just to make sure you are aware of the seriousness of my threat please allow me to reiterate - drink from my milk again and I will stab you in the neck.

KEYE has Lance Armstrong non-story

Most of the time, where there is smoke there is fire. But sometimes someone says there is smoke and the rest of us keep squinting and rubbing our eyes but no smoke is to be found.

Our boy Lance Armstrong starts training camp this week in preparation for his next inevitable Tour de France victory. I think the Versus network may revert to being the Outdoor Life Network to commemorate the event. Lance announced in late September he had famed anti-doping expert Don Catlin on board to “design and apply a “landmark” anti-doping screening program” for Armstrong to prove the Frenchies’ tests were fraudulent and tainted.

KEYE reveals the tests… gasp… haven’t yet been made public.

But Catlin admitted in late September he had not yet created the testing regimen for Armstrong. Don’t know about you, but I’ve never accomplished much of anything in eight weeks, let alone designed a program expected to be scrutinized by the entire civilized world on two wheels.

The dude is on the case. Chill.

City Workers Bowl all Day - and Get Paid

This one is from KEYE, who love to catch people doing stuff they shouldn’t be doing. And we love to watch people get caught (as long as it isn’t us).

They didn’t catch us bowling all day, but they did catch a bunch of city employees doing so while they’re collecting cash from our tax dollars. My feeling on it - if they were able to do it for so long and noone noticed they were missing, why make them get back to work? Whatever they were doing is obviously pretty useless if noone noticed. I say… shuffle up and bowl.

Of course, if hanging out all day at the bowling alley meant we might be able to run into Clara Guerrero at some point… job be damned, we’re there.